#60: Conscious Parenting with Yolanda Williams

Yolanda Williams of Parenting Decolonized
Parentingdecolonized.com
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Dani Faust is a hypnotherapist and certified Life Coach, Intuitive Energy Healer and Spiritual Teacher currently based in South Florida and holds certifications in EFT, Meditation, Reiki, NLP and more.

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Transcript

Hello, hello, hello. Welcome back to the Manifest CI podcast. Thank you so, so, so very much for listening. My name is Danny Faust. I am your coach and a host,  and today we're having a fantastic conversation with my friend Yoland. Who is a coach? A D E I instructor and the host of Parenting decolonized. But we're gonna get into all of this great conscious parenting talk. I just wanna let you know where this is coming from because I know you come to this podcast or this YouTube channel for some manifestation goodies, some intuitive hit type goodies.

This all ties in, and Yolanda's gonna share how this weaves into the mindset of manifesting as well as the mindset around parent. But I wanna just share one little perspective. As adult manifestors, we tend to view the universe or what we can receive from source, God, whoever. We tend to view that and limit it by how we were treated by our parents.

Yes. And if we said as a child, Hey mommy, can I have this ice cream? And it was, no, you're greedy. Stop asking for. Then we think now that we can't manifest because we assume source or the universe or whatever you believe in is going to respond that same way. So keep that in mind as we're talking about all the stuff we talk about today with Yolanda and see how it hits for you when you're thinking about your younger self and how you manifest now, and think about how it's impacting you as a parent and how you're gonna do better as a parent for your kids so that they can manifest, Tuka do.

Okay? Okay. So let me read Yolanda's wonderful bio and then we're gonna hop. Yolanda Williams is a conscious parenting coach, social justice instructor, and most importantly, a single mom to one amazing toddler. Yolanda empowers parents with tools to be more intentional, conscious parents in order to raise the next generation of emotionally well liberated free thinkers, and in the process form deeper, more intentional relationships with their children.

That is such a good line. Did you write this bio? I did. It's really good. Okay. Okay. Through her podcast conferences, webinars and writings, Yolanda curates critical and candid conversations about race, social justice, and parenting with authenticity, truth and compassion, and helps people find tangible tools to create personal and collective transformation.

Yolanda provides coaching, d e I training for educators and many more on her website, parenting decolonized.com. You can also follow her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter parenting decolonized. Let's jump on in. Hi, Yolanda. Hey, boo. How are you? I'm great. I'm so excited that you're here and your beautiful locks are here with you.

Oh, you know what I'm saying? Lock. We're, we're locked. We're locked and loaded. . Locked. . How long have you been doing what you're doing? Um, whew. It's been a few years. Well, you know, I started the process while Gia was, , still like marinating, you know what I'm saying? I didn't start coaching. , , until for a few years.

Cause I was just like, what does that even mean? What does it mean to be a coach? And I didn't really start that process until I saw how few black coaches there were in the industry. And also, , I was just annoyed by how whitewash industry was. So I decided, I was like, let me just step into the gap here.

So I wanna say I've been doing this for about three years. I love it. Wait, so when she was marinating, so while you're building her in your belly, you are doing all the mindset work for Yeah. Listen, talk about that parent. If we are, I feel like one thing about parenting is folks are just like, I can just be a good parent.

Like by osmosis, by breathing and shit. It is like you grew up in an abusive environment and all of a sudden you think you can just be like this magical good parent. This is, that's just. Logical thinking, and so I wanted to, I knew because of my upbringing that I really wanted to raise her differently. I didn't know what that mean meant at the time, I didn't know that was conscious parenting or gentle parenting.

I just knew I didn't wanna raise her with violence. I knew I didn't wanna be yelling all the time and berating her. I knew that I wanted to be a more emotionally mature person. I studied like I was the damn SATs when I was pregnant with her. Um, the first book I read that introduced me to the style of parenting was, , brain Rules for Baby, and it helped me to like think about her brain development.

,  and the, the way that I impacted as her parent. And once I saw that, and because I have a D H D, I went down a whole spiral  and looked into like, you know, all about that. I went to a whole spiral and then that's where I finally found like first positive discipline and then gentle parenting. And I went, you know, joined some Facebook groups and stuff like that to learn more.

But I was failing. I just felt out of place. I felt like these people.  were mostly white. They, I didn't feel connected to them. I didn't feel like they understood me. Whenever I would bring up race, I would get dog piled on, and even in a group, , that was run by a black woman, it just felt very respectability type.

I didn't, it didn't feel militant enough for me, I guess, you know, I, I, by that time I was starting to become more radicalized around like black liberation too. So I wanted to mix both of them together. So I just started my. I like how you started your own shit. Because what we tend to hear and see is, oh, that's for white people.

Mm-hmm. , black kids get beat, black kids need discipline. And you know, it's just like, ooh, so harsh. How did you, how do you deal with people who have that kind of mindset still? Um, I don't . No, to be honest with you, I really don't. Um, cause I feel like there's, there's, the people who I really connect with are the ones who started to already think, like, I don't, I don't know what to do, but I know I don't wanna do that.

Right? Those are the people that are honestly connect with the people who are still stuck in what I call plantation parenting. I really don't connect with them. ? Yeah. It's plantation parenting. It is. , because they wanna hold on to these really harmful practices and it's almost like talking to, , a PTE about like misogynoir or talking to a , a racist white person about it.

It's the same energy. They don't wanna listen.  and , I ain't got time for that. I really wanna spend my energy and my time with the people who do want this, you know, to learn this information. Yeah, that's very smart. And you're cracking me up. I feel like the audience is already giggling at your terms and I'm here for it.

You guys leave a message, leave a DM for Yolanda and for me. Let us know what you're loving about this episode. Um, okay, so that makes sense for you to not deal. Those people who are still closed. But what about the mom? She's a new mom. She's learned from you or from books, and she's really intentional about being a gentle or conscious parent, but other people in her life, maybe her mom or in-laws or whoever, they're the ones who are like, girl.

Yeah. What does, what does she do? Is it, what suggestions do you have for. . Yeah. So listen, if you're in, if you're that person and you got those over overbearing parents or, , community members, I would say, cuz it don't even be it be, it could be your friends sometimes she's like, just pop her real quick.

Like, girl will fight you. Um, boundaries, right? So that's one big thing about us being raised in pla in in the environment that is a toxic environ. A lot of us don't understand or have any boundaries with our family members. It's really enmeshed and we think that they have the right to be involved in our parenting.

This is not a democracy. This is a bureaucracy. And what I'm not going to do is take advice from someone who wants to harm my child. So I put up strict boundaries around communication, boundaries, , boundaries around what they can do to her. I can't control, I can't control them, but what I can control is saying, I'm not gonna discuss this with you.

, because you aren't interested in hearing like what I have to say. So if you continue to tell me to threaten my child or harm my child, I'm just not gonna speak to you very often. Or I'm gonna get up and leave. Like I have full control over that. And I think what happens when we're children is we are indoctrinated into believing, like our elders are always right, me to sit there and listen to 'em, even if they're saying something really harmful, I don't believe.

, I'm going to stand up for my child. I don't give a damn. If you are 90 years old, you're not gonna tell me in front of.  to harm her. I'm not doing that , so I'm gonna leave or gonna change the subjects. I'm gonna put up boundaries. But also you need to find your people because if you don't have, , somebody that you can call or a Facebook, , group or something where you can go in and vent and get information from, get advice from you will fill.

So we need, we need community. We need people around us that are, that will encourage us and give us helpful advice. You cannot do this. . , even if you're in a nuclear family like environment, you can't even just do it with just her husband. Like, we need to figure out our village. And even if it's a digital one, it is super helpful to have one.

You have a great community. I know on,  Facebook and, uh, wait, plug it. Can I forget the name of the, it's, , conscious Parenting for the Culture. It is a, , a very safe space for black parents. , and when I say black parents, it doesn't matter if you, , , two moms, two dads, polyamorous, non-binary. Like if you are a black person, , you are able to be in this, in this group.

And I'm not playing about that. We have kicked people out for trying to invite other people in. Uh, we have to keep it safe. We have to because not having safe spaces, we can't be open about like our, uh, trials and tribulations of raising black children as black parents in an anti-black country. . People don't wanna hear that if they're not black, they just don't.

And, um, ain't nobody got time to be filming like, comments around like, why is everything about race and all this shit? No, we don't do that. We talk about what it means to be a black parent raising black children and anti-black country, , using conscious parenting techniques that people frown upon. It's a hard journey.

And so we wanna, I, I, I'm very militant and diligent about keeping that safe. I love that. So,  long answer, short yell at nana when she comes at you sideways face, Nana.

I mean, that's, I

mama could get it.

Okay, so that was already, if someone's already, you know, enmeshed in trying to, to do the work for their family, but let's back up to the woman who is brand new to it. You mentioned that you went to Books as resources. What do you suggest outside of the books that you already mentioned, which guys are gonna be linked in the show notes, so don't worry about that.

Um, in addition to some books, those type of resources, what do you suggest for the new mom who is really just. I don't even know where to begin. I, I, okay. I'll join your group, but now what? Yeah. Speaking specifically to black parents, it's really important that we understand the underlying reasons of why.

we have been told that we have to parent with such harshness in brutality. And so my biggest, , the, I love the book, , post-Traumatic Slave syndrome be, and that is by Dr. Joyce Decroy, I believe is how you say her last name. And she really dives into the why, right? And you'll hear that a lot once you start doing.

conscious parents are gentle parenting. You're always gonna hear like find the why, the understand why your child is acting that way while you're acting that way. And you gotta understand that to really understand why you have to make conscious choices. , I had a, , meeting yesterday with, , a Zoom meeting with some people and we discussed like resistance in black history that we never hear about it and.

How information was suppressed around like maroon communities, which I'm sure as a Jamaican woman, you know, all about, , , maroon communities, but also how a lot of the women in those communities were like voodoo priestesses and, and all these amazing like, ,  really spiritual that were clicked to, to African spirituality.

And I say this because that information has been suppressed on purpose. And people will hang on to, oh, this stuff is demonic. This stuff is, you're not supposed to practice that. If you, if you knew that the reason that you think that's demonic was because of propaganda from, , slave , owners, would you still think that if, if you know that the reason why.

black children are black parents are being told to hit their children was because of the plantation. Why are you still hanging on to that parenting? Like we have to dig into why we do the things that we do and who it serves to continue to do it. So I really suggest understanding that that's one book.

, spare the Child by Stacey Patton is another book that I read that helped me to understand that. . , and then just understanding how to do better. I read the Conscious Parent by, , Dr. , Shali. , and she, she is the person that really helped me to understand conscious parenting versus gentle parenting.

There is a difference. , I don't consider myself a gentle parent. Conscious parenting is about.  and your trauma and your mindset and how all of that impacts your parenting. You being conscious of that all the time. , same thing with like manifesting, right? You have to be conscious of how your mind, your mindset, and how you think about things in order to be able to manifest what you want.

And that's, that goes for parenting too. Whereas gentle parenting is about the child. You're taming tantrums and you're doing all this stuff and there's like little tips and tricks that these people give you, but to me it doesn't get to the, the reason why you're doing what you do. Why are you. , why are you wanting to reach out and touch somebody you know, with a pop or you know, one of whip ass?

Like, why are you so triggered? And until we understand our own behavior, all that, all those little simple tips and tricks that these other coaches will give you, to me, it's just a bandaid. It doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't help in the long term. So I'm a conscious parent that tries to practice being gentle with my child.

That's how I put that. I love it. I love that. And I think as you said it that way, I feel like that's what I am, because I did raise my voice and I will say good, me too there. And you know, I'll grit these tweet and let them know that I'm not playing, but like, they know they're not gonna get hit or they're not gonna verbally abuse, but they're gonna run and go pick up whatever they gotta do.

, so I, I know I don't feel like I'm gentle, but I try to be gentle around how, how I'm parenting. But you saying all that made me realize two. One, I didn't ask you to specifically let us know what is conscious parenting . That shoulda been my first question. . Ok. So thanks for going there, . , or asking you what conscious parenting versus gentle, , and also we think about this, or at least maybe I think about this from the, the very beginning because that's when I learned about it.

But I just realized as you were saying that and talking about the why and the mindset of it, of it all. There are women with teens who are probably thinking, oh no, it's too late for me. Or, you know, I know grade school kids who are like, man, I should have done that earlier. What do you say to her? Is there an age limit this?

Yeah. Never. You can have adult children and start, and start doing this. I, I, you know, I get that. Tell my mom, listen. Okay. I get that question a lot because, , , you do start to feel like I made all these mistakes. Like I can't go back and you can't, right? But what you can do is start the process of repair and when you're transitioning over, you've gotta be really, you've gotta, you gotta be fucking psis.

You can't think that you going from. You know, I'm, I'm, I'm whooping the behind too. I'm not. And your children are gonna magically not be children anymore, and you will never have conflict with them. And it will just be easy peasy, fresh and easy. It's not okay. They're still children. They're still gonna push limits.

They're still learning. They're gonna make mistakes. You're gonna make mistakes. , the whole transitioning to being a more conscious parent is really about you doing the internal work and repairing at the same time. Your children are gonna be pissed off. They are, you violated their bodies and their boundaries for years.

They have every right to be very, very upset with you and confused about this new, like, like Otis, who is, who is this? You know what I'm saying? So you, my advice is always how do you start this transition and get your kids involved. Don't just be like, I'm going to be the parent and I'm, I'm not gonna talk about this.

I'm just gonna do it. Talk to your children, especially if they're. Sit them down. Apologize for what you, what happened in the past. Let them know I didn't have the tools that I have now. And I am really wanting to work on making this change with you. , and I sincerely apologize for what I did in the past.

You did not deserve that. , no one deserves to be hit to be yelled at, and I'm so sorry. And you also have to be willing to hear about how you hurt. , it's kind of like, , if, if a partner cheats on on their, on their partner and they, they'd be like, I just don't wanna hear about it no more. You don't get that privilege.

You, you don't get to say, I no longer wanna hear about this. You need to hear about it. As long as the person feels unsafe still, or insecure about a relationship, your kids are gonna be insecure about this new relationship you're trying to form. And so the best thing you can do is make them feel safe and when you do something immediately, apologize.

and just know that you don't have to have all the answers. If you, if something comes up and you're like really upset about it, the best thing you can do from, if, if they're small children of to adults is to just pause before you react to something and it gives you the space to say, you know what, I'm, I'm feeling myself getting really upset.

I don't wanna be that person I was before. I'm gonna take a moment, , so I can calm down. Cause I really wanna have this conversation.  and you're modeling to them conflict resolution communication skills. Right? , and so you're teaching them lessons that you don't even intend to teach, but you're doing it, showing them that, hey, if you make a mistake, you can apologize and you can work on relationships that that need repair.

And you can have good communication skills and conflict resolutions. Because before, I mean, you, you probably grew up like me and wasn't, you were, you know, you're not taught anything. , you know, I ask that question all the time. Were you raised or did you just grow up? I, I just grew up. I wasn't taught how to communicate.

I wasn't taught how to resolve conflicts, you know, and that's what parenting is supposed to do. It's kinda like we were supposed to just know, come out the womb with manners and intact and shit. Like we don't, kids don't know stuff and we have to be willing to slow down,  help them learn and model it to them.

And if you are transitioning to that parent, , it's gonna be harder because you're gonna be used to doing, you know, the popping real quick or the quick yell because you get an instant gratification for it. It's much more work to slow down, to stop yelling, to stop hitting, to use your words  like we tell the kids and to, , seek out collaborative solutions with them and not try to just be powering over them all the time.

It's such, it's so much harder and it. , you working on yourself and your inner child and all this other stuff, stuff that you've, I'm sure talked about like the U 2.0 and the the inner child work. All of that goes into being a better parent. Yeah, the reparenting episode is coming soon, y'all. , but if you wanna learn about that, you can check out Yolanda's podcast.

Cause I dunno, that was a million years ago.  an episode on that inner child healing work that you can get Kraken on to start understanding your why, which will help you preemptively not be the due fact parent that you were being before, or the default parent that you were being before, I should say. But okay.

A couple things. You said so much good stuff and for everyone, listen. Are you feeling just warm and fuzzy right now? I hope you are. Cause I really am. When Yolanda was giving the examples of how , to apologize to your child before you start  the new tools start using the new tools. I want y'all to rewind to that, especially if you have a parent who has never apologized for anything ever.

I would suggest you go back and just listen to that and pretend that's your mama, your daddy, whoever raised you, and let that just wash over you as the apology that you needed and never got, and start from there. Let that be your first little teeny, tiny bit of beginning to heal around that. I'm gonna do that.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna listen to this, I'm gonna do that. I tell woman fuzzy from you saying that, because I need those, I needed those apologies. And you don't even realize how much you need to hear those words until you hear them. And you're like, yeah. Like just think about how much better we would've felt if our parents would just been like, I'm sorry, just those, you ain't gotta say why.

Just be like, you know what? I'm sorry, . I would've been like, thank you. Never got it. Exactly. Yes. We need that. We really need it. And you know, there's, there's layers. I don't want anyone to hear this and think, oh, I've gotta heal myself so that I can then become this good conscious or gentle parent. It's all working together.

You're always healing. You're never gonna stop healing , period. So just know that as you're going through, you can do your work and work on being a, a more conscious, intentional parent at the same time. . And you said it's hard, but I like to say it requires intention. It requires, requires effort. Intention. I love that.

Yeah. It requires definitely effort. So it does feel little switch. Yeah. Yeah. So when it does feel hard or guys know that it's, it's not an easy thing. It requires that intention and that effort. Otherwise, we wouldn't have to have an episode about conscious parenting cause it would just be called parenting and everyone would be doing it and everyone would be well adjusted

But at last here, we. So you gave great tips on, on that transition. , what about when we have the, the backslides or when we have a child who we may have been parenting as consciously as we can and have had good results when they were in elementary and maybe junior high, but now they've puberty, being reckless, being rebellious.

High school, rah, rah, in your face. No, mom, shut up. And whatever kind of foolishness they're on now. . Yeah. How do we deal with that? You know, it's, this is where it really, if you started doing this, when kids are much younger, you hopefully you hope to have developed a good relationship with them, right? So when they are, and they may, and they probably will be reckless and do risky things when they are teenagers.

I mean, think about it. Think about it. Should you do when you ? I don't wanna think about it. I don't. Ok. I feel like I think about it. My kids might hear my thoughts sitting, they'll try to do it . I did some, I hope Gia never does it. , I hope though, cause I didn't have a relationship with my mom like that.

Right. So I can talk to her about when I was scared in a situation, I had to figure it out on my own. , and I was in some really dangerous situations where I couldn't just pick up the phone and just be like, can you come get me? Cause I wouldn't have gotten in so much trouble. Right. So you hoped to develop that relationship with your kids, , when they're younger.

That's the whole point, is you're developing this foundation, this relationship of collaboration, of close.  and connectedness. So when they become teenagers and they start experimenting with shit, and their attitudes get bad, you're not just like, oh, these fucking kids, and I'm, I'm, I'm tired, I'm done. You start black backsliding, you already have the habits form.

Even still, it's gonna be, it's gonna require intention because they're gonna trigger things in you. Right? Unhealed parts of. That, , you're not, that you haven't yet dealt with. And this is why, like Danny said, we're always healing because our relationship with our kids are always evolving. They're becoming different people every single day, as are we.

And as we, as they grow up, we're having to learn how to, how to like relate to them differently. And so it really, again, it's about your mindset. Cuz if you are trying to control them, everybody's gonna resist control. You know what I'm saying? .  If all your children hear from you is I wanna control you to protect you, they're gonna be like, most teenagers just wanna be left the hell alone and for you to get out their business.

That's what they, I saw a serving one time and they do not believe that parents have the right to be in their business, like around 16, 17 years. They wanna be left alone cuz they, they are like, I'm a practicing adult. Leave me alone. So like, , you're gonna have to start thinking about, how can I start right?

Letting them feel like they have more control over their lives, but also setting boundaries around safety, around risk, and, and I love family meetings for these types of things. We can ground ourselves in our family values. If you have a meeting and it's not just about you sitting up there like, okay, our family values are, and here are the rules.

that's not collaborative , that's control. , what you do is you can start this when they're, when, you know, 5, 6, 7 years old, you can start having these meetings with them and make it a habit where you're able to like say, what are our family values together? You know, communication, , respect, like all this stuff.

And then when things start to happen, you can say, this is not who we are.  because you're also holding yourself to the values as well. Like you're accountable for those things as well. So when you have a conversation, it's not about you controlling them. It's like, Hey, we, our values, like you're, you said that this is part of like your value system and you're not being this person.

Like, how can we work together? And trust me, it's not hard. It's not gonna be easy. You're not gonna use this language, you're not gonna be like, how can we collaborate together to be, you're not gonna say, man, you're not, you're gonna be pissed. . And that again is when you have to pause and just be like, okay, what is again my value system when it comes to what is my why, my parenting, why we can getting that in a moment, and how can I make sure that I'm not harming the relationship while I'm upset with my child while they're scaring the shit outta me?

Like how do I make sure I'm. Controlling them cuz nobody likes that. , and it's not, I'm telling you right now, you're gonna be stuck sometimes you're gonna be like, you're gonna resort back to the control. , and in those moments it just takes for you to be intentional, to get quiet, to like, think about your parenting, why to think about the future a little bit and what you wish for for them and for your relationship together.

Which brings me to the parenting, why. , which is basically exactly what it is. Why do you wanna be this conscious parent? What do you hope for your relationship with your children? This is not about them. Yeah. Everyone listening, you better have your journals out and write these questions down, or at least mark this part of the podcast so you can come back and get these questions and answer them.

Cause this is powerful stuff y'all. Okay? . And I think, you know, this goes into like what you have people do with the U2 point. Oh, because you're thinking about why you want to even be that person, right? You can't just be like, I wanna be. , you know, 150 pounds and blonde. Like, why do you wanna be accessed?

You know, why do you want that for yourself? Okay. Do you want that for yourself? So like, why? I sure don't, but why do you want to be a conscious parent? And my personal parenting, why is I want G and I to be friends when she becomes an adult? I want her when she has the choice, right? Cause once they turn a certain age and they're out in the world, they have a choice whether or not they wanna deal with your ass.

And a lot of parents, what they're finding right now, the. Boomers and some Gen X.  Parents are like, my kids won't talk to me. My kids don't come around. They don't, they don't, we don't have a relationship. Worst thing, why I did all this stuff for them. I was a good parent to them. I sacrificed for them, and they won't, and they're mad about it.

You weren't a good person to them, right? Outside of being a parent, you have to be a good person. If you're a hypocrite, if you are brutal, if you're harsh. , why would they wanna be around you when they have the choice to be around you? They don't have to do anything when they don't want to, when they leave the house.

So when she leaves the house, if she ever leaves, if she ain't gotta leave, okay? , but if she wants to, if she wants to venture around into the world, I want, when my face flashes on her phone, she smiles and, and it is not just like, ugh, what she. , you know, I want her to be excited to talk to me. Not all the time, but you know what I'm saying.

Like, to us, have a good relationship, a friendship. Go out and get a beer. Can we go travel together? Can we have a conversation that's deep and not just superficial, , not just around like, Hey, what, you know? Are you okay? What'd you do today? Like, we all have, a lot of us have those superficial relationships with our, with our parents.

Mm-hmm.  that we just, you know, we call 'em check on them, and then that's all like, you good? All right. Then like, I don't wanna talk to. . , and I don't want that. I want us to have a deep relationship and I want her to like me and I wanna like her. Ooh. And so then you get your why together. Who do you have to become for that?

Why? To come to fruition Right now she's five. So who do I have to be for her now? For her to see me as her friend when she's 21 years old and has the choice? How do I show her true friendship at five years? , , with, you know, within that's age appropriate and has boundaries. So, and as she gets older, how do I continue that course?

So as she gets to the age where she has a choice, she wants to actually have me in her life. I love that you use the F word so much. Friendship. I wanna be kaya's friend. My daughter is nine, well she's turning nine in two weeks, and my son is 10, turning 11 this year. I wanna be their friends. I was grown up.

I grew up with, I'm not one of your little friends, little friends. And we hear the rhetoric everywhere that I'm a parent. I'm not a. . I think we can be both. Mm-hmm. , I don't know how to finesse that right now. And I think I'm still in a learning phase of like we're friends, but also you have to listen to me sometimes.

So it's like, are we friends or am I a dictator? How does that work? What do you have to say about that? You're not a dator. This is my own personal therapy. Now y'all, you can just do that. We have to still have boundaries, right? Personal boundaries with our children around like how that friendship, you think about your, think about your adult friendships.

All of them are different, right? They're all.  based on how well you know a person, how much, how personal you get with that person. Like they're all different. And that's the same thing with your, that that friendship with your child. It's just a different form of friendship. And I believe that parents have the opportunity to show our kids what true friendship means cuz how do they know?

Right? Especially as they become, not like tween age or years  into middle school are some of the most harshest, like kids are terrible during that time to each.  and to their parents a lot of the times, right? And, , but really to each other, they're just, they don't know how to have good relationships at that time.

And we have an opportunity to show them, like, Hey, your friends listen to you. Your friends are kind to you because I'm kind to you and I listen to you and I respect you. Like, this is what friendship looks like and feels like and sounds like. So they know not to put up with some bullshit from the, from their little friend who doesn't treat them very well.

They won't, they won't associate being treated badly with friendship with. , you know, relationships. So I think it's just like around boundaries. There's, you still have to be a parent, obviously, and as, as a conscious parent, , it's about collaboration. You're, you're gonna get with your kids and just be like, how can we solve this problem together?

How can we be, , more collaborative? How can I make sure that I'm not again, powering over you, that I'm, that I'm, you know, powering with you and giving you the tools to be able to make independent decisions on your. . And that's why I love, you know, if you don't have small children, you probably never heard of it, but I watched Daniel Tiger's neighborhood literally all day.

When Gia is home, my daughter's five, she's also autistic. She speaks very little words. , and she watches Daniel Tiger. She's the, his biggest fan. And what I love about watching that show is it gives me insight into how to be a better parent, because that's what they all, they purposely model conscious parenting for parents who are watching.

And what I love about it is that they. Parents, how to help their kids be decision makers, be independent decision makers, because that's the, our job. Our job is to help our children become adults, right? , and to send 'em out into the world, be able to make decisions, have good relationships. So as you continue to power with your children, your job is not to solve all the problems, to make all the rules, it's to have, you know, to power with them and figure out like, okay, what are the house rules?

How do. , , collectively come together as this community because your family is your first community, and show them what community, me, what community membership feels like and means, especially in a nuclear family situation that can sometimes feel like the parents have to have all the answers. You don't.

and you can tell 'em that, I don't know  the hell. You asked me all these questions. Let's find out together. How do we, let's, let's find out together. Like, hey, Google this question. , , listen. But we, we, we, we take it so seriously and we should, but we also take it so seriously to the point where we're willing to like oppress our children, , to feel like we have all the power and.

Destructive. Yeah. When really we should be teaching our children how to and empowering them to make decisions on their own from very modeled. Yeah. Most of us our age, thirties and up. I think that's what was modeled that I'm the boss. Yeah. And I think now people are loosening up to like, well, you know, maybe I'm the boss on Monday, but Tuesday through Thursday I don't really know what the hell's going.

So we can work together. We don't be the boss though, like we can be.  and I don't think of boss. I think those are two different things. Yeah. We can be leaders and leaders are open to feedback. Leaders are open to, , learning. Right? Open to un like learning from our children is a big one. Our children teach us stuff every single day.

And I think if we think, if we really think about that, how is your children teaching you something? Because a lot of adults around us didn't value children as teachers. And they are, they teach us how to be more liberated. They come out the wound like, don't tell me what to. . I mean, most kids first words are like, no, they, they're like, leave me alone.

Let me just live my life. There are amazing models for liberation if we allow them to be, but we just gotta show them, you know, how to, how to live in this world and not get harmed. So it's like we can, we don't have to be bosses and dictators. We can be leaders. So a leader is open to feedback. If your child is like, I don't this rule.

I don't like this rule, instead of you just be like, well, that's how it. . You can be like, okay, so what? What don't you like about it? Let's talk about this. And y'all have a conversation around it. And then you really realize maybe this rule is some bullshit. Maybe this rule, I just made it because I felt like I had to, cause I'm a parent, but is it valuable?

How is it, how does it help us in a family situation? You know what I'm saying? So it's like, be a leader, but don't be a boss. I like. I like this. You're giving me ahas on this call. I did not expect, so thank you. Yeah, and I hope that everyone listening is getting ahas as well. Please share them on Instagram at the Danny House at Parenting de colonize cause I wanna know what you're learning, especially if this is new to you.

If this was something that you, you haven't really heard much of, or you thought that conscious parenting means letting little Timmy run amuck  and just saying, no, no, no, dear. You know, if that's what you thought, and this is kind of opening your eyes to a new way of thinking. I wanna hear your ahas and your.

So you've said a couple things a few times, , you said boundaries and you talked about mindset a lot. And it feels like conscious parenting is just one of the many avenues for personal development and Exactly. . And as we develop as people, we naturally will develop as better.  and therefore our kids will have a better outcome.

What are some of the outcomes that you see from children who are parented,  consciously versus not? And we already talked about the, , from the personal relationships aspect, but are there other, , benefits that you have that you know of? Yeah, I.  confidence is a big one, right? Because if you are raised in a conscious parent household, you get the confidence to speak to authority figures.

You're, you ha you're, you're encouraged to. It's annoying sometimes to the authority figure, but you are encouraged to say, , what displeases you? What harms you? , and, and you look at, you look at children who, , a lot of kids who are abused, they were really told that they had to follow the rules at all costs.

They had to, , comply at all costs. And that, that is such a dangerous thing. When we ask our children to comply at all costs, to listen to the authority figure that adults are always right, we are leaving them open to all kinds of predation from strangers, from teachers, from other family members, right?

, if we teach our children that they have a right to protest when someone is harming them, that they can tell an adult that they are wrong, , and teach them how to do that in a respectful. , it helps them, it helps protect them. So we're giving them the confidence to be someone who recognizes if they're being harmed and speak up about it.

And to me that's a big deal, especially right now. , you know, human trafficking is a, is a, is a big deal. But also even the, the, the biggest predators with children are family members and people that they know. , and so just not having that, that thought that adults are always. , , and you can't say anything back.

It's harmful, but conscious parents don't do that. And confidence, , the ability to solve conflicts, I mean, just think about how long it, it took me a really long time to not shut down. Whenever I felt threatened in my, like feelings, like I, I would feel that my feelings would get hurt, especially in relationships, and I just would stop.

I would just shut down cuz that's what I did when I was a child. Right? I didn't feel like I was being heard or that it even mattered that I was upset. So what was the point of continuing this conversation? So even in relationships with men, I would just become a shell of myself. I didn't have a, my own personality, I didn't have, I didn't feel like my voice mattered.

And you're teaching your children, their voice matters. Their feelings matter. And when they, when someone acts like they. , then  they get to tell them like, actually, you hurt me and give a, and you, you're helping them develop that language. And I, and, and even in like a work environment, a lot of us will.

will tell children in school like, why didn't you speak up when the teacher said this, that, and the third, they don't have the opportunity. You never give them the choice to practice at home. But when you do, they're able to tell teachers like, Hey, this black history lesson that you're about to teach is racist and I'm not doing it.

And you can call my mother. Like, that's what I want Gia to say if she ever goes to school. I don't think she ever will, but you know what I'm saying. , I plan on unschooling, but we see it all the time. The news. You know, they had teachers be having kids in like blackface and stuff, and how traumatized this makes black children.

Uh, no. My black child is gonna speak up and be like, this is hella racist. Absolutely not. Call my mother so she can come over here and cuss you out, . , but when she gets older and goes into a corporate environment, if she goes into one again, she's not gonna just put up with her boss telling her just to do something and get it done and talk to her any kind of way.

What you gonna do is respect me.  and you're gonna value the fact that I speak up for myself. You're gonna value the person that I am because that's who I've always been. I don't have to try to be this. There's no imposter syndrome. There's, there's, it doesn't feel wrong to, to use your voice. To me, that is the biggest, , benefit also in society.

Like imagine a world filled with people, raised this way, , raised to understand how to communicate, how to solve problems, how to be conscious, communic. , , conflict resolution, all of this stuff to have to have self-love. Cuz to me, a lot of people walking around, the reason why they're so violent and so angry is because that self-love isn't there.

, imagine a whirl flow with people who, who weren't like that and were able to just to form deep connections with each other and how much better that world would be and how we would not put up with some of the bullshit that's going on politically right now because we know that we're being harmed.  or more willing probably to stand up and be like, I'm not putting up with this Florida.

I know you live out there. Um, I'm not putting , I'm not putting up with this. This is wrong. I'm gonna, I'm gonna do something about it. Right. , that to me is the biggest reason for me to raise, uh, a really conscious child who gives a shit about other people and wants to do what it ta and it's not just complacent.

It's just like, eh, I don't gotta get somebody else to do it. It's not my. , she's gonna care about other people and she's going to help make this world a better place. And I think, , as, as we can see right now, selfishness and how, how being like a someone who only wants one particular set of people to succeed, how that's how it's playing out in the world right now.

So if we can expand our.  the way that we think about parenting and stop thinking about it as a personal thing and think about it as a collective thing because how you raise your kids, it impacts the world at large cuz they have to go out and be in the world. I think that would really help people see conscious parenting is valuable.

You heard it here first. People consciously raise your kids so they can go save the world for us. Okay, . But seriously what you said. They're sick of. , all of those things that you said for,  for the benefits for the children. That's also going to be, as you're practicing it and, and being intentional about it for your kids, it's still pouring into you.

You're becoming more of that as well. You're becoming, you're able to say, uh, no boss, I can't stay late unless you pay me overtime because I gotta go to X, Y, Z and hold that boundary. You're, you're modeling for yourself as you model for your.  and I believe that as we do that front facing work towards our kids, we're also healing backward.

Backwards as well. We're, we're healing ancestrally as well. But that's my personal belief. I know different folks, different strokes, but I think it, I think it's eternal and the growth that we do in one direction automatically goes in the other direction as well. Um, agree. So, uh, just beautiful. We'll, we'll heal future and past, um, and we'll all live in this beautiful hunky do life.

So how do we spread it? How do we get people, more people to do this? Is it just a matter of, uh, modeling it and letting our friends see, or talking about it or joining more communities? What, what do you say to that? . Yeah. I think talking about it, if you're a parent and you're practicing this already, being a good model for it is a big deal.

I, I stopped telling people like, you should do this and that. People don't like, don't, don't like to be shutted. Right's don't show. That's truth, Ruth. They don't. So show them though. Right? Show them. And the thing is, it's a long game. Conscious parenting is not something you just do.  and just expect to not, you know, it's like, okay, they're 10 now, eh?

Like,, it's a long game. You're not, you may not see the results from conscious parenting until they are adults and you have this amazing relation relationship with them. Children are not easy because they're people.  Some, some children are easier than others because of their personality, but there are some children who are just like on this world and they're just like, I'm, I'm a born activist.

I'm saying, To everything. Okay. And you don't know what's going on. You don't know why they're like this. But then they get older and just like, oh, that's why. Okay, , future, uh, black Panther. That's why you was . You're resisting. You're resisting. So it's like us understanding that we have to model this to the outside world and also continue to talk about it and then finding almost like a mentor, you don't have to pay for it.

There's so many of us online right now that are doing this work. A lot more of us are black. There's a couple more men who are getting involved. , black men, I should say, and I love to see it. The more of us, the better they're, you know, whenever I'm talking about conscious parenting coaches, I love shouting, shouting them out, because I may not be for you.

I want us to have, , a whole network of people that we can look at, , as mentors to learn from and then spread their message. Like if you're sharing videos of people doing conscious parenting work or giving advice on your social media, it helps spread the message. . There may be somebody who was just like, I'm about to whoop As and I don't care.

Cause I used to be that person to, okay, let me consider this right. And that's all it takes. That's all it takes for someone that when you, when they start having that, that thought process, this may be a path they wanna take. All they need then is to see, is to hear more and see more. Um, and hopefully they come.

I love this. I love this. Okay, so you talked to us about healing ourselves to help heal our children around this. You talked to us about the personal development work that has to be done there. You talked to us about the mindset shifts we have to make you, you gave us lots of practical, actionable steps to take.

I'm gonna do a family values conversation with these kids done nights, so thank you for that. And you.  you shared why, why period . You shared why and how this will help us, our families, our communities, the whole wide world. Is there anything else that you didn't get to say that you think is super important for the listeners to hear about this before we wrap up?

Yeah, so as someone who was raised in like a violent environment, I'm speaking for myself about. It may be you two. , just know that it may be hard for you to be nonviolent. It's hard for me. It's not innate. I'm not an an innately gentle person up loud. I'm rough, you know?  I am learning by habit, by intentionality to not pop my daughter.

There are times where I want to, where I have to stop, physically stop myself, and then I gotta go into the closet and punch air or, or, you know, hit a pillow. That stuff that we push down for so long, that childhood trauma, our children hold up a mirror to that, right? And, and help us see it, but also sometimes can trigger it.

And, and you may not, they might not. He have even done anything that's severely wrong for it to come up. I want you to learn to.  be so hard on yourself as you're making this transition. And I'm not even transitioning because Gia is only five. I started doing this when she was a baby, right? But as she ages, stuff starts coming up for me.

and it, and I ha I was never taught how to be a gentle person. I was never taught how not to be non-violent. So now I'm having to teach that, teach myself that, and learn that as I'm parenting this child. And so I am just encouraging you to understand that this may not be easy for you. If you grew up in a really violent or harsh environment, you, you probably will yell.

I still yell a lot. That's one big thing that I have to work on. , you may still. , , like resort to a timeout cause you don't know what else to do or taking a phone when you do things that are punishments. And there's a difference cuz punishments is, are things that do not teach your child in the moment, , about future behavior versus a, a discipline which does help teach, right?

, that helps them learn for future behavior. If you're using punishments, it is harmful, timeouts are harmful. , but are timeouts less harmful than a whooping? Yes. Are, is yelling less harmful than a timeout? Yes. So I want you to think in terms of harm reduction, how can you reduce the amount of harm in your house as you practice this?

And this is like, some people might hear this and just be like, this is a bullet. Like this is crazy. Why is she saying this? Like, encourage people to yell or time out. I'm not encouraging that. What I'm saying is if if you're not hitting, that's amazing. And if you don't know what to do in the. . , and you're, and you are, you're trying to figure out like, I'm, I'm triggered.

I need to, I need to figure this out. I need to, I need to blah, blah, blah. And you choose a timeout over choosing to whoop, you've made a better decision. It's not the best decision. A is a win, a witness a win. It's harm reduction. You're reducing harm. Timeout is still harmful, but it's not as harmful as a weapon, right?

So as work on as you transition and you're two conscious parenting work on reducing that. Work on habit for me. Know that every time you resist the urge to pop your child, you're, you're building that muscle. Whenever you resist the urge to do timeout, that's another muscle that you're building, right?

It's gonna take a minute for you to be a conscious parent like you can, like I'm a practicing conscious parent. I really do say that. I'm not perfect. I have a lot to work.  and it's okay for you to have, for that to be a reality. And I, I think the harm in the way that we talk about parenting, this type of parenting is it feels like it's all or nothing.

Like if you're not hitting, you have to be perfect. You have to be, you can't be doing timeout. You can't, that's unrealistic. People are humans. They eggs cost $99 a, a dozen. Like folks are so stressed out right now and they, they need to hear that harm reduction is, , , in order for them to feel confident to do this.

That said, try your best not to punish. Try your best to use discipline, which is stuff like, you know, natural consequences. An example is you tell your child tie their shoe, they don't, they fall. That's a natural consequence, a logical consequences. , you tell them, we can't go outside until your shoe is.

and that's, that's all. There's no punishment in there. That's not a punishment. I'm trying to keep you safe. You're gonna fall or you can just change the shoes out. So there's no laces at all. Like we also have to figure out how to sometimes choose our battles. , certain battles will need to be fought, but.

Learning that it, we don't need to harm our children psychologically and emotionally and physically in order to get them to learn. They learn just fine with all of those things. And as you learn that and change your mindset, you just have to be okay with making a lot of mistakes. Cause you'll, I love this.

What a gentle and loving end for someone who says that they're not gentle. You sure? We're gentle with that last bit for everybody. I love that. Very, , very warm. I dunno. Warm and fuzzy is just the, the language that's coming to me around this whole episode because it requires, I know you said self-love, but it feels more like, , like if you can't get all the way to self-love, which is a journey of healing in itself.

Yeah. Self-acceptance is a great place to start, and it feels like this is a self-acceptance journey of wherever you're at on your parenting journey, as you are working towards being more conscious and potentially more gentle. , and I know that you said you're a practicing conscious parent. I feel like that should just be the term period, because we're still always gonna be human and we're always gonna be subject to moods.

And unless we are like super zen monk, perfection, , we're gonna falter and, and yeah. So everyone who's listening, I hope that this episode.  gave you a little bit of insight into conscious parenting. If you were on, if you were on the, the fence straddling, I hope it has pushed you all the way over into, over to Amazon to get those books, to learn more, to start your journey.

 And for people who were completely against it and had the chanka and had the belt  and whatever, I hope it encouraged you to put it down and at least start to think about, Hmm, maybe there's another way I can do this. Yeah. , Yoland. , thank you. Thank you for having me. Thank y'all for listen. This was a really dope episode.

And honestly, every e every answer you gave, there were like 75 episodes that we could do from your answer. I know. Like I wanted off on a tangent right then I was just like, Nope. She trying to wrap it up. Yeah. I was thinking in my head, should we give it? Cause she's saying good stuff, but I wanna be respectful of listeners time too.

So we're just gonna have to have you back. Yay. That's what we're gonna have to do. , so thank you again from the bottom of my heart for making time for us today. This was an awesome. Let us know where we can find you. You told us about the Facebook group, but remind everybody where they can find you and what you've got for them.

Yeah, so , you can, my website is parenting decolonized.com. I have a podcast, it's called Parenting Decolonized. It's everywhere you listen to podcasts, but I'm also launching my YouTube channel where I'll be having, , webinars and. Giving advice and having my podcast on there as well. So please subscribe.

I'm trying to monetize y'all. I need a thousand listeners in 4,000 watch hours, . Um, um, also, speaking of the family values, I'm working right now to come out with a toolkit.  that people can purchase that will help them with family meetings.

That includes a family values like, , worksheet. So y'all can work on this with your children and you can be, , intentional about that and create like a family mission statement. So that will be in my link. Okay. Yeah. So just go to my link to purchase , the family values toolkit so y'all can be intentional about having these, , these meeting.

Fantastic you guys. I know you got a lot of gems from Yolanda today. I know it. Share 'em. Share 'em with a friend. You can share this episode whether you're watching it or whether you're listening to it. You can also hop onto Instagram and share your ahas. I wanna know what you love the most about this, because there's so many things you could have loved.

So thank you, Yolanda, for being here. We appreciate you. Thank you everyone for listening, and I'll see you next week.